Yesterday, out of nowhere and just as I arrived at work, I was overcome by a rage so powerful that I had to sit in the car until I could breathe properly again. Rage that I’ll never again feel really good about how I look; that I’ll never be able to jump out of bed and get on with my day; that not a day passes without people wondering what has happened to my leg; that every day for the rest of my life I’ll have to strap on half a stone of metal, foam and plastic; that I have to live with unbearable burning and fizzing right down to my non-existent foot which people seem to think is “all in the head”; that I have to take drugs about whose side effects I don’t even dare read; that one missed step is a fall; that so much disability access isn’t at all; that I have to ask busy colleagues to make me a cup of tea; that I have to ask people to carry things for me; that I can’t get anywhere fast enough; that there is nowhere to sit down in shops; that the disabled showers at the pool are at the end of a wet corridor; that I have to worry about how to give a powerpoint presentation on one leg without falling over; that it takes longer to dress my prosthetic and get it on right than it used to take me to get up and out of the house; that I have to ask people if their stairs have banisters before I visit; that staying at friends’ houses now seems just too difficult; that people think that having a prosthetic leg that looks just like the other one will somehow make everything all right.
*Emil Cioran
October 8, 2011 at 4:20 am
I respect your rage, Sue, and am glad that you experience it, and that you able to express it so vividly, and share it.. What you are dealing with is outrageous.
One quibble only. I don’t think you should give up feeling good about how you look. At your book launch, and the party afterwards you looked TERRIFIC. There were many witnesses!
I was very glad to have been there, and am very glad to read about a whole range of your feelings in your blog.
Thank you.
Judith
October 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Thank you for thinking of me and for your very kind comments about the launch.
I like “outrageous”
October 8, 2011 at 8:12 am
I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything as bitter as that anger and regret you describe. I can only say I feel it less often now, whether because I’ve got used to the tedious routines we have to develop or because I’ve got better at them, I can’t tell.
I think extreme vanity is the secret of looking good in these circumstances – it works for me.
October 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Thank you – I’m going to work on the extreme vanity!
October 8, 2011 at 8:27 am
I now feel angry on your behalf . I am so glad that you have been able to write so eloquently about your feelings and what a privilege for us to be allowed into your head. I think such fellings of rage are healthy and normal, it’s when we bottle these things up or when we dwell on them they become more troublesome.
I too have a lot of anger towards cancer and how it has changed our lives, from time to time it needs to be acknowledged. However, we have met many wonderful people along the way and our perspective on life has changed for the better – we now appreciate the smallest things that previously went unnoticed.
Thank-you for educating me in the reality that is living with a prosthetic limb. x
October 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Thank you for your very kind thoughts. I too have met some really wonderful people on this journey and also appreciate lots of things I took for granted before.
October 29, 2011 at 4:29 am
I am a BK amputee of 14 years (from a Giant Cell Tumor-distal tibia). I can tell you that it gets easier w/ time. It is okay to be angry at “what might have been”, but it isn’t good for you to stay in that place for too long. You may email me at namelitlin1@yahoo.com. I can give you my number then if you prefer to phone. I am in Missouri, USA. Hang in there!
October 30, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Hi – thank you so much for getting in touch! I’m amazed someone in Missouri USA would have read my blog and that you had a giant cell tumour. I’ll get in touch.
November 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm
you can come and stay with me…I have a lift! x
November 20, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Thank you – I will!
January 5, 2012 at 10:05 am
I am a double BK and I get very angry ,to the point where I take it out on my partner and don’t even know I am doing so .Being the eldest in a family I have always hidden my emotions never cried about my loss over 2006 and 2010. Dad dyeing I have to keep the brave face on . I am at the point of not doing anything wanting help but turning it down because I am to stupid to accept it .like you say it’s all the stupid things that you did before that you cant do now.I could go on and on