Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief model may resonate with people who have lost limbs. But none of the descriptors: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance seem to accord with how I am feeling exactly five months post amputation. I think I missed out the first three stages and now I’m teetering around massive irritation. Having decided to try to manage my phantom limb sensation without drugs, I’m left with a fizzing and tingling in my missing leg that is literally driving me to distraction. Someone without a blue badge has parked in the disabled space outside our house and, three days later, shows no sign of turning up to move it. The council can do nothing as they have yet to erect the sign making it “official”. I can’t find an outfit to wear to a black tie 50th birthday party that works with an American Tan clad calf that looks like it once belonged to Miss Trunchbull or a well-nourished Ukrainian shot-putter. And to cap it all, my style consultant has handed in her notice and is going away to university. Nurse Jackie and the rest of the team are keeping a low profile.